The Suicide

All the characters mentioned in the narrative are completely fictitious and are solely the creation of my imagination. If there is any resemblance with anyone living or dead, it is purely coincidental. The narrative is not written to hurt the feelings of anyone or any community.

Present Day

The day started with an earth-shattering phone call. My paternal cousin brother Sameer, or Sam as I used to call him, who used be one of my best friends, had committed suicide. He had ended his life with poison. I just couldn’t believe it. Even yesterday we spoke over phone. He was just 28, even younger than me! This was devastating. I was heartbroken.

His father, my uncle, called me up.

‘I don’t know what to do, Karan. It was all because of us. If I knew he would do this, I would never……’ His voice choked. He was sobbing.

His unfinished word reminded me of the series of incidents a few months back, in which I was also involved. Perhaps, I am also responsible for his death. We are all responsible.

‘Uncle, please calm down. I will reach there within an hour’. I hung up as I felt a lump at my throat, slowly making me numb. Suddenly, it started pouring outside also.

It was all coming back to me like a flash - the day Sameer revealed his secret and I scolded him like anything, the day he came to me seeking morale support and I could not understand his feelings, our relentless persuasion to change him into something he was not – everything.

He had made me promise not to share this with anyone, but I did not even keep the promise. Now that he is gone, I can let go off this burden. I have to share it with all of you.

But let me start from the start, otherwise I would digress and end up in babbling.

Three Months Earlier

I had just got up on a lazy Sunday morning. It was raining outside. The only plan for the day was to relax with family.

Suddenly there was a series of violent knocks on the door. I cursed whoever-it-was and opened the door. It was Sam, all drenched in water.

‘I need to talk to you urgently’. He was visibly restless and shaken. I had sensed something was not right; otherwise he would not have been into such a dire state.

‘Is everything alright?’ He didn’t respond. He was looking outside through the window, completely oblivious of my presence.

‘Dude, first dry yourself off. Then let’s talk over a cup to tea. Meanwhile I have to brush my teeth’. I wanted to throw in some humor. But he seemed in no mood for either a tea or a humor.

‘I need to tell you something. It is really important and urgent. I hope you will understand, if no one can.’ He uttered, rather mumbled. His voice was shaking.

‘Ok ok, tell me what happened. I am all ears.’

‘I like a boy at my office. I am a gay!’

‘What??’ I could not believe his words. I did not know what I was expecting but certainly no this. My voice was at five pitched louder than usual. The way he broke the news, I was stunned. It was a bolt from the blue!

‘Are you out of your f***ing mind? This is not a joke’.

‘If I was in the mood of a joke, I would not have come all the way to your house at 7 O’ clock in the morning on a Sunday, completely soaked in water, don’t you think?’ He had a point. Knowing him, I could not agree more. He was a man of calmness personified, and here he was, trembling with a vision of some unforeseen future.

‘Tell me from the beginning.’ I was annoyed as well as curious.

He started in a pensive note. ‘You must be knowing some of these as we almost grew up together. Since my school days I have faced a lot of ridicules because of some of my feminine straits. I loved to dress up and make-up like a girl or even talk and behave like one. My friends used to call me a ‘Sameera’ instead of Sameer. It did not have much effect on me though. But when I grew up these straits also grew with me. But by then I have learnt to disguise myself, so the secret was duly suppressed. During my college days, I used to enjoy the company of the girls, as I felt more comfortable with them. But I used to fantasize about a few boys in the class. I wanted to be cuddled and hugged by them. But I had to keep my feelings inside me. I didn’t want to be a laughing stock, but somehow it was evident through my behavior and eventually everyone started mocking me. Those days I used to be the center of attraction in the college, but like a f***ing clown who was always laughed at. Because of this reason only, I could not have many friends apart from you. But I could not even share this with you as I was not sure how you would react.’

‘When I was offered this job, I thought if I’d keep these feelings buried inside me, they would probably die down a natural death. But the more they were pushed down, the deeper they spread their roots inside me. Now since I have joined this office, I can’t control my feelings any more for this boy who is a little younger than me. I love him. Yes! I love him. But I really don’t have the courage to express my true feelings. I have given it a serious thought for quite some time, but could not see the bottom of it. I have lost my sleep and do not know what to do now. This has become unbearable. So I came to you. I am hoping you would understand what I am going through.’

He stopped, looking at me with a glimmer of hope in his eyes, a hope to find some solace and support. But what I heard so far did have a lingering effect on me. My brother is a gay!!! If this is known publicly, how would I show my face to everyone?? What about our family’s reputation?? Is he a moron or what?

‘Sam, who else knows about this? Did you speak to your parents?’

‘No, I do not have the courage or intention to face them. You are the only one to know, apart from me of course.’

‘Look, Sam. I am sure you are mistaken; you must be going through a psychological depression.’

‘I thought you would provide me some kind of direction, rather than being a stereotype.’

‘Sam, enough. What the f*** man? How can you do this to us, especially to your parents? They will be completely ruined. Are you nuts? Sorry! I can’t encourage this sheer stupidity. The only direction I can give you is to go and see a doctor. Or get a girl in your life. You need treatment, may be psychological or physical, but not direction. I still can’t believe this. Shit! You have spoiled my whole day.’ I was visibly furious.

He did not try to stop me from venting my venomous irritation out, as if he had anticipated my reaction since the very beginning. He got up and opened the door, his actions were totally mechanical, like a robot, who was controlled by someone else.

Suddenly, he turned back. In a whispered voice, as if he was trying to hold back the tears, he pleaded out. ‘Please at least promise me that you would not tell this to anyone, not even my parents’.

‘Ok, fine. Now go and take some rest. And go see a psychologist immediately.’ I was still annoyed.

He left, without bothering to utter a single word. I saw his lone figure fading into the distance.

It was still raining.

One Month Earlier

Since then, I have lost touch with Sam. I did not even bother to contact him in fact. I was still angry. He also did not get in touch with me. ‘May be he has realized his mistakes’, I thought.

One evening, I was driving back from office when my cellphone rang. It was my uncle, Sam’s father. I killed the engine, parked the car and I picked up the phone.

‘Hello, Uncle, how are you?’

‘Karan, son, please can you come here? It is quite urgent and I cannot really discuss this over phone.’

‘Sure, please give me half an hour. I am on my way’. The call was disconnected.

All sorts of thoughts started swarming in my mind. What could possibly be so urgent? I guess it must be a new mischief of my cousin brother. What else could it be?

When I entered their house, my uncle was sitting on a chair with his hands covering his face and Sam’s mother, my aunt, was in a fit of non-stop sobbing. Something really serious must have occurred.

‘What happened uncle? Where is Sam? Is everything alright?’

Pointing at another chair, he said in a hushed voice: ‘Sit here, I have something very important to discuss with you. But I don’t know where to begin, I feel so ashamed.’

‘Tell me what happened.’ By now I could almost guess what must have happened.

‘Today we received a phone call from Sam’s office; it was from one of his colleagues. Something he told me was so disturbing and disgusting that I could not even explain how I felt when I heard it. Apparently Sam had proposed him and expressed his love for him!! Can you imagine!! And he admitted that he was a gay as well. I initially did not believe it. How could I? But when he came home, I confronted him. The shameless boy did not deny it. All these years, I didn’t even know that he had been suffering from such sickness. How could I show my face to the relatives? I cannot hold my head high any more. He has destroyed my reputation completely. I couldn’t help but slap him real hard.’

I was right. It was about Sam, after all. That stupid fellow did the unthinkable. Goddamn it, Sam! What were you thinking??

‘Where is he? Can I talk to him?’

‘I don’t know. I told him to leave the house for good, and he packed his bag and left.’

‘Uncle, I will talk to him, don’t worry. Where else could he go to apart from some of his friends’ house? But we need to find a solution to this problem first. He told me about his problem a couple of months back. But I could not realize the gravity of the situation and somehow neglected it. In hindsight, it seems that I should have told this to you earlier.’

‘What?? Why did you not share this with me earlier? Anyway, what to do now?’

My aunt’s vehement crying had subsided a little. She suggested that we should get Sam checked with a renowned spiritual Guru of her choice who can and does cure all these diseases. I somehow don’t like an idea. Being a modern man, how could you support this?

‘What if we could take him to a psychiatrist? I am sure these are all related to his mind.’ He chipped in.

‘Uncle, I have a better idea. Get him married. He needs company I think. What better way to give him one other than a marriage?’

Both of them liked my idea. I promised them that I will bring Sam back as soon as possible and I left.

On my way, I called Sam’s number. He picked up the phone. I told him what had happened, and how his parents are worried. But I did not disclose what the three of us decided about his marriage and all. He said that he had checked into a hotel!

‘Come back at once. Otherwise they would be soon worried to death. They love you so much. Think about them. Come back and we’ll discuss the matter together.’

‘Ok, I will be back tomorrow morning, I need time to think. But there is nothing more to discuss, with anyone’. He hung up.

I informed his father about his whereabouts and drove to the hotel and met him after much pleading. He refused to come with me, but upon my persistence, he gave in. I dropped him at his house.

The next morning, when I checked with my Uncle, Sam was still at home, sleeping.

I felt relieved.

One Week Earlier

I had to go abroad on a business trip for a few weeks so I could not be in touch with Sam. As soon as I was back, I went to his home.

I found him in his room, reading something. What I saw was beyond my wildest imagination – there were deep dark circles under his red eyes, he did not shave for at least two weeks and he had become much leaner – his complete get up was changed. It looked like he has aged twenty years in these twenty days! I was not sure if I had seen a couple of grey hairs around his temple as well!

‘What the f*** have you done to yourself?? Get yourself cleaned up. Let’s go out for a walk.’

‘It’s not me, it’s you guys.’

‘What??’

‘My life has become a hell. Do you know I had quit my job?’

‘What are you talking about? Have you gone completely crazy?’

‘Yes, I had to leave my job. Everybody hates me there. They look at me differently. They laugh at me all the time. Do you know how odd it must feel? Moreover, everyone in my neighborhood now knows I am a f***ing gay. I cannot even go out. Every time I step outside the house, someone from somewhere will be there to ridicule me, taunt me as ‘homo’. People have stopped interacting with me. Yes, I am a gay. Is that a crime? Everybody avoids me. Am I suffering from some infectious disease? Is it really my fault that I am what I am?’

‘My parents took me to a Guru they admire for advise on how to change my views. Why should I change? Why? They even took me a to a psychiatrist as if I am a mental patient. Have I really lost my sanity?’ He paused, out of breath.

I did not really have any answer, so I kept silent. In the meanwhile, he continued.

‘In these two weeks I had seen at least half a dozen girls, as my parents want me to get married to someone as soon as possible. But I have told every single one of them about my partner preference. So all the potential marriage talks were called off. My parents do not talk to me anymore, perhaps they have lost all hopes. I have no friends anymore. No one’s visiting me anymore. I have lost everything, even the desire to live.’ He blurted out.

‘Some of these must be your imagination. I would suggest you find a new job and make new friends. And for God’s sake, get married and drop this f***ing ‘I am gay, I am gay’ attitude. There is nothing f***ing wrong with you.’

‘Exactly, there is nothing f***ing wrong with me, but when will you guys understand? How many times will I keep on finding new jobs and making new friends? This keeps happening to me every time. I can’t take it anymore. And for your kind information, these are not my imagination. Please get the hell out of here, I don’t need anyone who doesn’t understand me’. He snapped at me.

There could not be any argument after this. He had transformed into someone whom I could not recognize. But yet I advised him to take care and think properly. A good night’s sleep could bring back his sanity. I promised to call him once a day, but he did not respond.

I left.

Over the next few days I tried to call him every day, but he did not pick up my phone. I even tried to meet him once, but he blatantly refused to see me.

Yesterday

I received a call from Sameer.

‘I am leaving.’

‘What do you mean? Where are you going?’

‘I don’t know, I have not yet decided. I need a break. I cannot stay here in this house, in this neighborhood. I just thought you should know.’

‘Sam, I am a little busy at my office. I will call you back. But don’t take any whimsical decisions.’

‘Ok’. He disconnected the call.

Present Day

I could not call him yesterday out of my tight schedule. I thought I would talk to him today. I was glad that he at least called me up. Things must have changed slightly, if not drastically.

Little did I know that those would be his final words to me.

It was still raining heavily outside. I opened the door and sat under the rain, soaking in the heavy downpour. At least no one could see me cry here.

Today I understand Sam was right.

Today I understand why he had chosen this path.

But it was too late.

Sameer could not bear the ‘stigma’ of being a gay, a stigma that we enforced on him. Rather than accepting him, we were busy hiding him and changing him, driven mad by our own prejudices and narrow-mindedness. We were consumed by our own fear of rejection by the society. We made him alone and then left him alone. We pushed him towards the edge of a cliff from where there was no turning back. He chose the poison as it was less painful, compared to the agony living in a society that continuously singled him out and prevented him from being what he was; a society that cannot simply accept those who want to shed the typical inhibitions; a society that cannot offer anything but obstacles to those who want to venture out beyond the so called forbidden zones.

He did not commit suicide. We killed him. You, me and this society, all of us. We are all guilty of a murder.

The Message

** In India, having sex with the same gender is a punishable offense under section 377 of the Indian Penal Code. This law was not amended since 1861, despite several attempts by social activists and politicians. The Supreme Court has cited several reasons for not repealing this outdated law. One of the reasons provided is that it is against the religious beliefs and practices of almost all religions. Tying a personal preference up with religion is probably the most absurd explanation. The law must be modified so that sex between two persons of the same gender is decriminalized. But on the other hand the law must also look into the fact that the age bar must be there to protect the children from being abused. If India needs to be a country which is equal and fair all as it claims to be, the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) rights have to be properly established. The Government has to ensure the law is amended and implemented with full support from the administration and judiciary.

*** Homosexuality is an individual preference, just like every one of us has our own preferences towards food, drinks, friends or even clothes. It is not a disease, so there is no need to try to cure it. All it needs is ‘acceptance’ and ‘support’. Please provide the same to those who are in need of it, so that we don’t have many more Sameers trying to fruitlessly disguise themselves and eventually ending their lives.