******All characters depicted in this post are completely fictitious
Episode 1: Bhaigiri
Do you who I am? I am the Bhai. Watched and followed by millions. When my doggy takes poo poo people take selfies with my doggy. When I fart it becomes a trend. That I did anyway. I farted on the face of our law. Trying to put me behind the bars. Is it that easy? So what if I killed one of the bloody have-nots and injured four? What's the big deal? Everyone ought to die - some sooner some later. Why were they sleeping on the footpath? Saaley baap ka raaj hai kya? This city belongs to the rich. Footpath is for walking and not for taking naps you filthy stinky morons. Sometimes we will drink and drive on the footpaths. Steering in hand and alcohol in stomach - deadly combination. What could anyone do? We are that rich to afford it. If we don't enjoy life then who would?Why did you stupids not move? Delicious slumbers? Sweet dreams? Sorry Did I wake you up? Blind?Deaf? Or both? Saaley! Get under Bhai's car and demand compensation! I knew your crooked plans all along. Able bodied men don't look for jobs, only after easy shortcut money. You tell me they worked in that bakery. Then it is the bakery's fault not providing them staff quarters. No one questioned the owner of the bakery. One can't get peace because of these guys. But now see how it feels. Even the law could not pluck a single hair of me. So much money I had to spend for nothing. Apparently some of you don't have a home to stay but your useless conscience was larger than life. Total waste. Could have taken the money and walked out and lived in peace. But no! You thought you'd get cheap publicity if you stand against me. Someone had to be a hero. See who the real hero is now. Starve, rot and die in gutters. Long live these leechers, sorry, these lawyers. Sucked a lot of money out but turned the case upside down. Haha. True lifesavers! They should get Ashoka Chakra from the Government for saving innocent lives everyday. Because of these guys only we could live in peace. They can prove whatever they want to. Can turn the black into white. So after 13 years of the farce no jail for me. And they brought the humanitarian angle to it as well. God knows how! But it worked. I got the message. Destroy these buggers and then do some useless charity. Probably the black buck case will also be drowned. Perhaps they will prove the blackbuck was a maneater and we had to save our lives. What did you ask? Why did I run if I was not guilty? I had to take a pee that's why. Now shut up and listen. Yes where was I? Oh yes...And there would be a lot of fools who would still treat you as an Idol. I am the Bhai for them you know! I move a finger and they kiss my ass. But many were rooting for a severe punishment. I am a celebrity so I must face exemplary punishment. These guys must be high on water. No one talked about my damages. My car broke down, my reputation as a driver had taken a bad hit - no leading lady wants to shoot a driving scene with me where I am behind the wheels, my family prevent me from having alcohol outside (life has become very shabby nowadays) and last but not the least I had to shell out a fortune from my own pocket (but thanks to my fans all my stupid meaningless movies are still the highest grossed). But now eat your humble pie you idiots. In India, rich get richer and never go to jail. They go abroad for vacations. What did you guys think? I will go to Yerwada jail, reunite with Sanjubaba and there will be a sequel of Chal Mere Bhai? Never ever. And oh yes, that singer. He is one step ahead of me. He called these bloody victims as dogs. Bollocks! Man either he had a lot of guts or he is completely insane, just out of his mind.He defended his statements on television. I have to give him some work. Poor fellow does not have any work for the last two years. Going through a real hardship. But he had now managed to get my attention.Hey I have to go now and do some charity. Only yesterday I donated my torn off underwears to my gardener. He is so happy. He said he would frame it. There are many such examples but I don't beat my own trumpet in public. After all I am 'being human' you know. Hehehe.
Episode 2: The Dreaming Girl
What? You need my interview? Why? Nobody takes my interview nowadays. Agree I was the dream girl to many but that was during the prehistoric age. Nowadays I only do water purifier ads for living. Sometimes I have to act in movies still because it is difficult to sustain the royal lifestyle based on just that ad. And I am really not sure how many people rely on me endorsing a product.The meager salary of an MP is no match for my lifestyle.....Oh but you want me to talk about the driving episode instead? See there is nothing much that I can add to what I told. The scars on face have still not healed so please don't take a photo. I am still under trauma. What? These are just minor injuries? Are you insane? You forget I am an actress. The face is everything for an actress even if she is from the bygone ages. What? People are saying I was overspeeding? See I am a VIP and I was driving a mercedes. And you say I shoud not overspeed? Don't make me laugh it still hurts. Whose car would overspeed then? Aam aadmi?? How many of them do even have a mercedes?? Haha. See it is the fault of the traffic police who alowed other cars on the same road. They should have cordoned off the whole area for me. In fact I also don't like useless crowd around me. Anyway what is the next question? Why did I get medical attention within minutes and the people in the car didn't? Again I am a bloody VIP for God's sake and have to be treated like one. If Sachin Tendulkar goes to a bank to open an account would you make him stand in queue after 50 people? If Amitabh Bachchan goes to a hypermarket should he stand in a long queue to pay for his shopping? Not in India bro. Similarly like me, an MP of the ruling party, a goddess of old days - perhaps many even today romanticize me, though I would not be too hopeful about it. I would never go to a hospital and stand behind hundreds of sweaty and stinking common men. That's the same reason I always pull my window glasses up while travelling through a crowd so that no overly enthusiastic crazy one can touch me. You can never predict their next act! Why didn't I look into the other car? I simply didn't want to. I am, the dream girl, almost died of shock. I was,as I always is, in a state to be looked at. What's everyone saying about me? See you media guys are alwsys news hungry. And your speciality is defamation. And people in India just wait for excuses to chew on the characters of the celebrities like us. All play and no work. See I am apologizing in twitter, my daughters though they do not have regular source of income promised compensation and I myself am doing a lot of damage control but still I have been made the villain. In my whole life I have never got a role to play a villain. What about my driver getting arrested? Since then I am not able to go out. And not only that. I am not literally able to show my sorry face to anyone because of these scars. And what about the person driving the other car? He should have driven the car more carefully. In fact he should have parked the car at one side and waited for me to pass them by. Apart from me everyone is guilty of something but I am being singled out. This is nothing but a political vendetta against me. It is a sabotage. So no more today. The more I speak today the more material you get. Anyway remember always that I am an actor. You never know when I am not acting hahahaha. I have to go for a movie shoot out now where I am always sleeping - like what I anyway do while I am in the parliament, if I am in the parliament. So from the dream girl to the dreaming girl, that's quite a journey. If possible write about those. Far more interesting than this stupid accident. You might even get a Padma Shri. I have to take your leave now. See you. Bbye.
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